Our childhood, especially our childhood environments, tremendously shapes who we are for the rest of our lives. If we are lucky enough to be born into a stable family unit, with kind, loving and attentive caregivers, with a stable and predictable social and economic environment, then we already have some great building blocks to work with. Our childhoods inevitably shape what we think of in terms of relationships, how people operate in relationships, and other beliefs that we have about ourselves, others, and the world. Inevitably, it will also shape our sexual beliefs.
Sexual beliefs are the starting bases from which we form our understanding of what is right and wrong regarding sex and intimacy. They are influenced by our culture, tradition, religion, movies, television, pornography, society, music, and of course, our family of origin. If our parents demonstrate love and affection towards each other, and demonstrate love and affection towards us, then we are more likely to be loving and affectionate with our romantic partners when we get older. However, the opposite is true as well.
Many people do not realize that our sexual attitudes are often formed from a very young age. If our parents talked to us about sex, and intimacy, and are comfortable with the topic matter, then we grow up becoming comfortable with that topic. If our parents are uncomfortable talking about this topic with us, then we will learn to explore it with our friends, and other available sources such as the Internet. Essentially it will be our parents, and other caregivers who inevitably will teach us what is socially acceptable or unacceptable, appropriate or inappropriate, etcetera.
Luckily for us, we are able to change our beliefs or any other behaviour. They are learned, and therefore can be unlearned as well. As we go through life, we constantly re-evaluate our beliefs, discard no longer useful beliefs, and develop new beliefs. Creating new, positive, and healthy sexual beliefs allows us to explore sex and intimacy with our partner or partners, and allows us to become more satisfied in life (not to mention all the physical and mental positives that come along with it as well).
The first step is to examine our sexual beliefs, and to establish the beliefs that are adaptive and lead towards sex and intimacy, as well as the ones that are maladaptive and take us away from sex and intimacy.
The second step is to imagine the sex and desire that we wish to have in our lives.
The third step, is to then identify the beliefs that we would need to cultivate to help us achieve the sex and intimacy that we wish to experience. Remember, it can take up to 6 to 12 months to develop a new belief, so do not become disheartened if it does not happen right away. Just like learning any other new behaviour, it takes a long time to practice and requires patients and diligence.
As we said on the farm, if it isn’t hard, it’s not worth doing.
Come heal, grow and create together
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