Sexual Fantasies and Fantasy Bonding

Many clients seeking Sex Therapy often report having conflicting views over sexual fantasies.


For example, many clients will report feeling ashamed or weird if they have sexual fantasies regarding anyone other than their partner(s) or well report feeling guilty or shame for some of the sexual fantasies that they have.


Man and woman wearing masks sitting on a bike in an erotic pose

It is very common for people to often have sexual fantasies that may surprise them, and even leave them feeling a tad self-conscious.


This is part of the reason that Freud used to explain that the ID (our unbridled lust and aggression) was rooted in the unconscious. Regardless if this is the case, it does suggest that at times we can be intrigued by the dark, naughty, and taboo nature of these sexual fantasies. But does that make us naughty, perverted and dirty?


I have often used the metaphor with my clients, that sexual fantasies are a special little well that we visit to help wet our appetites before enjoying our sexual experiences. Sexual fantasies can get our “brains” in the bedroom, and help ignite sexual passion and desire more than just toys, or outfits alone. The more adapt that we become at using our creative minds and imaginations, the more intense our arousal and desire will become.


Are all sexual fantasies the same?

Well, not really, but here is a helpful way to categorize the sexual fantasies that we may be experiencing at any given time.


  • Level I fantasies, are the sexual fantasies that have an extraordinary high chance of coming true. For example, they include some more common sexual fantasies such as having a naked candlelit dinner, romance including wine, candles and flowers, rose pedals on the sheets, and really any other fantasy that has a relatively high chance of coming true, with low risk and low cost.


  • Level 2 fantasies, are the fantasies that may have a higher degree of cost, a higher degree of risk, and although they could potentially become true, the “chances” of them coming true are virtually unlikely. For example, I had a client say that if they met the right couple, from out of town, in the right place, at the right time, and they hit off, they may engage in a swinging experience with them. Other clients have reported sex in public, or cars, or certain degrees of kink and BDSM in this category as well. Possible, but the stars would have to align for it to occur.


  • Level 3 fantasies, and by far the most numerous, are the ones where there is a very high level of cost, and risk, and are ones that we may not even want to come true. These include the very naughty and taboo sexual fantasies, that could even be uncomfortable to us when we are not aroused. These are the fantasies that my clients report feeling most ashamed or uncomfortable over. Yet, paradoxically, are the ones most likely to get our juices flowing, so to speak.


Although sexual fantasies are perfectly common, healthy, and appropriate, there is one specific circumstance where I caution all of my clients. Many clients who have extraordinarily awesome imaginations, will often create elaborate scenarios, and will look to create and experience these fantasies in real life. Although, there is nothing wrong with that, as I mentioned in a previous post, we must be wary of “Fantasy Bonding”. Fantasy Bonding occurs, when we expect certain outcomes and anything falling short of those outcomes causes us to be dismayed. If that fantasy is a little bit too far out of a comfort zone or requires more time, energy and practice to work up to it, then we can feel disheartened, let down, and even rejected by our partners when those outcomes are not met.


Some sexual fantasies and experiences, are definitely worth it!


But even BDSM, like counseling, only gets good after the 5th session. That is because it takes times and experience to build trust, understand desires, and those little nuances that are required in creating those sexual experiences and energies. Do not get disheartened if you are not having the sexual encounters you fantasize about right away. Give it a chance to build, but also make sure your fantasies are not so elaborate that they cannot come true either.


As we said on the farm each year, wait and see what grows and develops. Do not count your chickens before they hatch, and do not fret before the harvest. The ways turn out may not as be as you always expected, sometimes they will be worse, and they will sometimes be better!


Come heal, grow and create together



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